The unrefined art of the SHITSCRAWL
- Dublin Toilet Philosophy
In a city renowned
for it’s literary riches, everybody likes to think they’re
a fucking genius.... Give any number of arseholes a paperback copy of
Ulysses, an arts degree, a scattering of Nietzsche witticisms and a
Jacques Brel/Stockhausen record****, and you’ve got an army of
pseudo intellectuals simply dying to let the world in on their tailor
made driblets of brilliance. And although the voice of the individual
is, in theory, a revered vehicle of expression, the truth remains that
modern man is offscouring, and what it concocts is anal gripe.
So it is perhaps
fitting that there perennially exists a subterranean outlet for the
proud low-life philosophers who surround us - the literary ill-wit,
the sub mental, the disgruntled and the plain old-world pervert. Yes....
the thinking stool, the sacred throne, God’s large white telephone,
the porcelain Arc of Covenant - has always served as a publishing house
for the voice of the underdog. And being seedy, we’ve studied
this!
Where there was
once the public soap box, there now exists a massive underground of
excremental thought in low rank environs. Some of the more clever-clever
thoughts tend to reside in colleges and their associated public houses,
but it is often the guttural, the flashes of desperate grimy angst and
sexual repression which carry themselves as a document of the human
mindset. In simple language, the filth often shadows stupid political
toss, is generally a better carriage for humour, and an excellent mirror
of what we don’t like to admit really goes on in our subnormal
heads.
And as the topics
become more progressive, it’s easy to see why the public soap
box has been flushed out.... Could you imagine repeating one of several
challenging opinions on any main street of Dublin about why Republicans
are tossers? Somehow, I don’t think the discussion would allow
itself any length without intervention of some mustachio mumbling disgraces
and fukn’s in a perfect circle of Guinness spittle.
The voice of the
grime, as documented above the urine soaked tiles can be categorised
5 ways
1. PHILOSOPHY
2. SOCIAL COMMENT
3. IRISH POLITICS
4. SEX
5 .ON GRAFFITI
We now showcase
some of our collected samples in an effort to enrich your mind, without
soiling your nostrils seeking the hidden wisdom of life in some of the
worst places on earth!!! (Although this is a somewhat brief appendix
and understudies of the subject are urged to take notes wherever jettison
of payload is necessary). Where applicable or worthwhile we have included
responses( ....(r) ). All samples collected in Dublin ’ 99 - ‘01
from a selection of pubs, colleges, railway stations and other haunts
of seediness.
- “The
only things I really need is water, a gun and some rabbits”.....(r)“Bullets
???”
- “Have
a shite. Exercise your anatomy”
- “Warning!
Flush twice as it’s a long way to the drinking fountains in the
Hamilton building”
- “Mutinous
whispers abounded, but when daddy entered, their bowels turned to water”....
(r) “Why must you turn our seat of ease into a house of
filth? “
- On a toilet paper
dispenser - “Pull here for your arts degree”
- “This
world is just a great big onion“......(r) “And
full of lemons like you” ....(r) “Onion
full of lemons? I can see that!”
- “Does
anyone actually have FLYFISHING by JR Hartley?“.....(r)
“Yeah, I do!”
- “Consider this. Merlin” .....(r) “Go
shite. Messiah”
.....(r) “Don’t make me come down there - GOD”
- “KKK
now accepting applications for membership. Write to : Head wizard, Orange
Hall, Belfast Occupies 6 counties”
-“I.R.A”.....
(r) “Wanker”
- “Unionists
are really nationalists with severe mental disorders”
- “How
many Orangemen does it take to change a lightbulb ? - None.... They
all live in eternal darkness”
- “Ulster
says No but the man from Del Monte says YES and he should know, he’s
an orange man”
- “Battle of the Boyne 1690 - On the eve of the battle
the generals send out for refreshments for their armies. King James
treats his troops to porter and mead while King Billy’s men get
soft drinks. King Billy wins, hence the famous orange order”
- “IRA
ARE GAY. Or would that insult too many gays?”
- “Did anyone see the Republican ‘99 calendar?”.....(r)
“Yes. It’s hilarious!”
- “The
difference between Northside and Southside women- Northside women have
fake jewelry and real orgasms”
- “John’s
Ma’s up the pole for Gary”
- “Tom
McCormack takes it up the shitter”
- “Did
you hear about the two gay ghosts - They were constantly putting the
willies up each other”
- “It’s
not the expression, per se, that is objectionable, but the unmerited
permanence of it” ..... (r) “ah yes, case
in point”
- “Ce
graffito me semble merdique.... ce graffito est de la merde”
....(r) “Ce graffito n’existe pas fuckheadero”
- “You
all write like characters out of princess Xena”
- “If
you do not support something your life is wasted” ....(r)
“What a load of crap. Support your local anti-graffiti
movement. Do not sign here”
- “The
next person caught graffiting this shelter will be charged” ....(r)
“Fuck off”
(**** We have nothing
against any of these people as such, but time has proven that your average
arsehole likes to think he’s made a discovery that no one else
knows about - Ironically, while crosschecking a correct spelling of
Nietzsche’s name an apt quote was stumbled upon by the king of
syphilis, and it serves nicely as a temporary bookend on the subject
- “There is so much that has not yet been said or thought”
- A condonement of the guttural arts perhaps????) -
- BOZ Oct 2001
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