SHIP OF FOOLS - RAFT OF FUCKWITS!

Recall if you will, the centre spread of the accompanying booklet to the comedy album “In Defence Of Our Earth” by Oi Polloi. It pictures an alleged group of anarchic stalwarts being cast adrift from the “Ship of fools”.... an imaginary haven for fat businessmen, aristocracy and blah blah blah...

The caption reads “When the last tree has been felled, the last river poisoned and the last fish killed, then they will realise that you can’t eat money” - Now consider the motley bunch of fuck-ups on the punk raft and ask yourself, would you really want to be stuck with them if apocalyptic push came to shove???

Chances are, you’d be lectured to death, impaled by punk fashion adornments, or outcasted for resorting to “desperate” measures like catching fish to survive. And a greater likelihood is, some bastard will have bought a small one speaker tape machine on and the only tape will be Amebix. Enough to make the most tolerant being jump overboard and take their chances with the sharks!

The whole scenario could translate into some hilarious reality TV though!!!! Think about it......

Oi Polloi’s take on the “Lumber a load of useless pricks together and observe” formula is one of the most remarkable, and would make for blinding entertainment. Take your assortment of punk frag - Vain punk guy with his bondage jib and Getagrips from Carnaby street, Stokey filthpunk with such unfathomable legends of punk as Chron-Gen, Anti-Pasti and UK Subs tippexed onto his leather jacket, some dreadlocked harlot who “knows her fucking rights”, ex-public school bearded vegan fascist, Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy and his feathercut bint, and last but by no means least, one scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine who no one seems to own - Let’s set them afloat on their little raft of anarchy and see how this little dreamworld would translate to reality.......

Day one - 9.00am -

It’s been 15 minutes since our apocalypse contestants have been set adrift and for Vain punk guy, the cracks are already beginning to show. He’s becoming increasingly irritated over allocated space on the raft. Bearded vegan fascist reckons that if it’s good enough for him to have his legs dangling over the side into the water then it’s good enough for the other contestants. Vain punk guy disagrees. He doesn’t want to get a salty tide mark on his new Getagrips. A fight almost breaks out but dreadlocked harlot jumps between them, nearly tipping the raft. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine barks incessantly at the brawling contestants until mentally imbalanced skinhead guy boots it in the side, telling it to shut the fuck up. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine whimpers and seeks refuge in the lap of bearded vegan fascist.

Day one - 3.00pm -

No one has really spoken very much since this mornings fight on the raft. Stokey filthpunk, who has been inebriated to the point of unconsciousness for the entire trip, finally comes to. He manages to blag some rolling tobacco from feathercut bint to go with the soggy skin he found stuck to the rim of the half drank can of Dutch Gold in his jacket pocket. This calms the uneasy air, and conversation returns. Stokey filthpunk relapses into his alcoholic slumber.

Day one - 6.30pm -

The contestants are beginning to think about their basic need, food. Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy suggests fishing. He tells the other contestants how he was a junior flyfishing champion before him and his best mate discovered aerosols and throwing rocks at passing trains. Bearded vegan fascist is highly irritated by this, calling the other contestants fashion punks and sellouts. He says he’d rather die than eat a poor defenceless fish. Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy offers to kill him there and then. Worse is to come. Feathercut bint observes that Vain punk guy has the longest boot laces and they should be used as fishing lines. The other contestants (and the dog) gang up on him until he reluctantly gives up the lace, maintaining that they’d better buy him a new pair of boots when this is all over. Dreadlocked harlot calls him a selfish postcard prick, and adds that they’ll also need the pin off his Siouxie and The Banshees button badge for a hook. The other contestants (and the dog) hold him down while Dreadlocked harlot retrieves the badge from his jacket. He calls them all wankers and proceeds to sulk.

Day one - 11.30pm -

The contestants have still to catch a fish.

Day two - 6.00am -

It’s been pissing rain all night and as the sun rises, the contestants are resigned to the fact of sleep depravation. Throughout the night, petty fights over space on the raft broke out. Morale is very low.

Day two - 9.30am -

Some seagulls attack Vain punk guys perfectly manicured pink mohican. In the commotion, Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine is awoken and barks stupidly. The large sea birds attack the dog too. Feathercut bint swipes her arms at the seagulls and falls overboard. She grabs onto the edge but mentally imbalanced skinhead guy stamps on her hand. Feathercut bint is unable to swim. As she splutters and drifts off, he tells the other contestants how she was a fucking cow for throwing his 4Skins records out a window during an argument, and how he’d been looking for a way to get back at her. The other contestants are very afraid, and decline to comment.

Day two - 11.00am -

Stokey filthpunk awakes and mumbles incomprehensibly. He produces the seemingly neverending can of Dutch Gold from his pocket. Feathercut bint seems to have been forgotten and for the first time since being set adrift, the contestants are almost getting on with each other.

Day two - 12.00am -

Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy begins to complain of headache. Dreadlocked harlot suggests that he’s going to get sunstroke unless he covers his bald head. He tells her to fuck off and wash.

Day two - 1.30pm -

The contestant have still to catch a fish. Vain punk guy is in no rush to better himself in the popularity stakes. He has been unable to fix his hair since the seagull attack and the other contestants are sick of listening to him moaning. Stokey filthpunk sets fire to his bondage kilt. A huge fight breaks out. Disaster strikes as the raft tips. Vain punk guy snags his bullet belt and is pinned under the raft.

Day two - 1.35pm -

The contestants have finally scrambled onto the upturned raft. In the panic, nobody has noticed vain punk guy’s absence. He drowns.

Day two - 3.00pm -

The contestants have still to catch a fish. Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy is now officially suffering from sunstroke and has become a jeopardy.

Day two - 3.55pm -

The contestants finally catch a fish. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine becomes very excited and barks incessantly until dreadlocked harlot shoves the head of the fish into Scroungy dog’s mouth. Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy smacks her across the back of the head for “wasting food on that fuck’n mutt” and another fight is narrowly avoided when Stokey filthpunk mumbles that if he rips the now empty Dutch Gold can open, they can grill the fish in the sun. Dreadlocked harlot provides the grease.

Day two - 5.00pm -

After the paltry rations, and an hour long lecture from (a now very hungry) bearded vegan fascist on the rape of the earth, the contestants suddenly notice that Stokey filthpunk is cracking open another can of Dutch Gold. They search his pockets and find 2 more. Another near fight is averted when Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine begins to bark again. 3 Sharks have appeared and are circling the raft, drawn in by the drowned corpse of Vain punk guy. Mentally imbalanced skinhead guy finally cracks and launches into an unstoppable panic. He attempts to strangle Stokey filthpunk, who boots him off into the water. He is ripped to shreds by the sharks. The other contestants cower as they watch the feast. Satisfied, the sharks leave.

Day two - 11.00pm -

Dreadlocked harlot catches Stokey filthpunk drinking sea water. Apparently it all started after the Dutch Gold feud. It is only a matter of time before he cracks.

Day three - 3.00am -

Stokey filthpunk wakes up the other contestants by screaming and ranting incomprehensibly. He has cracked. In the excitement Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine begins to bark again. Dreadlocked harlot and bearded vegan fascist try to restrain him.

Day three - 4.00am -

Stokey filthpunk has ceased to struggle and is calm in his restraint.

Day three - 5.00am -

Bearded vegan fascist suggests that Stokey filthpunk has recovered and they get up off him. Stokey filthpunk jumps up, kicks Bearded vegan fascist in the bollox, jumps off the raft and swims into the distance screaming. This is the last they see of him.

Day three - 9.00am -

Bearded vegan fascist moans that his morals are now being tested beyond anything he experienced in public school. Dreadlocked Harlot ignores him and launches into what is an extremely successful morning of fishing. Bearded vegan fascist can only sit and look on as Dreadlocked Harlot and Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine enjoy the biggest feast of their ordeal.

Day three - 11.00am -

The seagulls are back.They’ve spotted scraps of fish on the raft and move in for the kill. Unfortunately for Dreadlocked Harlot, she slept with her head in the scraps and some have become entangled in her dreads. The seagulls move in for the kill. She grabs Bearded vegan fascist for cover, who reacts by pushing her off the raft. While struggling to fight off the seagulls, she is stung by an extremely poisonous jellyfish and lapses into unconsciousness. Bearded vegan fascist has felt threatened by her throughout the ordeal and chooses not to rescue her.... he is too weak in any case.

Day three - 3.00pm -

Bearded vegan fascist is beginning to mumble to himself. He has been so used to lecturing the others on adolescent middle class rebellion, it doesn’t occur to him that Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine neither understands nor cares. Scroungy dog is now rabid with hunger. It incessantly sniffs around the raft, looking for fish scraps.

Day three - 9.00pm -

Bearded vegan fascist’s morals have been pushed over the limit. He has begun hallucinating about dog-burgers. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine is in trouble.

Day three - 11.00pm -

Bearded vegan fascist has fashioned a crude dagger from one of the torn open Dutch gold cans. He makes a jump for Scroungy dog while it sleeps. Scroungy dog bites into Bearded vegan fascist’s wrist and severs an artery. Bearded vegan fascist wails and retreats to the other side of the raft. He is bleeding profusely.

Day four- 7.00am -

Bearded vegan fascist has Lapsed into a coma from malnutrition and blood loss.

Day four- 8.00am -

Bearded vegan fascist is now clinically dead. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine sniffs at his corpse and considers feasting on it, but then decides that it would be below him to eat the flesh of such a fuckwit.

Day four- 12.00am -

There’s a noise on the horizon. A large luxury cruiser approaches. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine barks incessantly. The cruiser pulls up. As luck would have it, it’s the Playboy liner and Hugh Hefner himself orders the rescue of Scroungy dog. Scroungy dog on a piece of blue twine lives out the rest of his days as canine royalty with a rhinestone collar and lots of stupid squeaky rubber dog toys.

- BOZ